As a professional counselor, I frequently witness the devastating effects of psychological abuse in relationships. Psychological abuse, often called emotional or mental abuse, is an insidious form of control and manipulation that can be hard to detect because it leaves no physical marks. However, its impact on survivors can be deep and lasting. In this post, I will explain the effects of psychological abuse, what a survivor may be experiencing, and provide guidance on how to respond assertively, using examples of a couple, John and Sarah, to illustrate these dynamics.
What Is Psychological Abuse?
Psychological abuse involves behaviors that harm another person’s emotional and mental well-being. These behaviors can include:
Gaslighting: Making the victim doubt their own perceptions and reality.
Isolation: Limiting the survivor's contact with friends, family, or outside support systems.
Verbal Assaults: Name-calling, humiliation, or constant criticism.
Control: Dictating what the survivor wears, says, or even thinks.
Threats: Implicit or explicit threats of harm, abandonment, or humiliation.
The goal of psychological abuse is often to undermine the survivor’s sense of self-worth, autonomy, and confidence, trapping them in a cycle of dependency on their abuser.
The Effects of Psychological Abuse
The impact of psychological abuse is often profound and can manifest in various ways:
Low Self-Esteem: Survivors often feel worthless, incompetent, or unlovable. Constant criticism or gaslighting leads them to doubt their abilities and sense of self.
Anxiety and Hypervigilance: Because abusers can be unpredictable, survivors often feel anxious, walking on eggshells, always alert to avoid triggering the abuser.
Depression: The feelings of helplessness, isolation, and fear can lead to deep sadness and depression.
Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD): Survivors may experience flashbacks, nightmares, and avoidance behaviors similar to other trauma survivors.
Loss of Autonomy: Psychological abuse can strip a survivor of their decision-making power. Their thoughts and actions are often second-guessed, or they may feel incapable of making independent decisions.
What Survivors May Be Experiencing
Let’s take Sarah and John as examples.
Sarah is a kind and empathetic woman, but her relationship with John has left her feeling confused and drained. John frequently tells her that she’s “too sensitive” and exaggerates problems. When Sarah tries to discuss her concerns, John dismisses them, saying, “You’re always overreacting,” making Sarah doubt her perception. John also isolates Sarah from her friends by claiming that they don’t truly care about her.
Over time, Sarah starts to feel like she’s losing her identity. She no longer enjoys the things she used to, and she feels anxious when John is around, afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing. She feels trapped, ashamed, and unsure of how to change her situation.
Responding Assertively: Reclaiming Power
The first step in responding to psychological abuse is recognizing it for what it is. Survivors like Sarah must acknowledge that the behavior they’re enduring is not normal or healthy, and it’s not their fault. Once this realization occurs, there are ways to respond assertively that can help break the cycle of abuse.
1. Setting Boundaries
Setting boundaries is key to ensure responsibility is placed with the correct person. Here are some examples of responses:
“John, I will continue this conversation when you are ready to hear my side”.
“This is not productive; we can continue this conversation when you are ready to be respectful”.
“It sounds like you are having a hard time excepting my no. If you continue this [Hostile behavior] then I will need to…”
Setting boundaries helps survivors reclaim a sense of agency over their emotional space, even if the abuser resists those boundaries.
2. Validating One's Own Experiences
Gaslighting can make survivors doubt their reality. It’s essential for people like Sarah to trust their perceptions. Journaling about interactions can help her regain confidence in her reality. Sarah could reflect, “When John told me I was overreacting, I felt dismissed. My feelings are valid.”
Self-validation counteracts the internalized doubt instilled by the abuser and reinforces the survivor’s self-worth.
You can respond with:
“It sounds like you are trying to confuse me about[Fill in the blank]”.
“We remember things differently”.
“My feelings are valid”.
Another tactic John might use, is to try and elicit guilt from Sarah. He might say something like man it must be nice to be able to sit at home and play with the kids all day. You can put it back on him by saying things like:
“Thank you.”
“I agree”.
You did not do anything wrong, therefore you can choose not to accept the guilt.
3. Seeking Support
Abusers often isolate their victims, so reaching out for external support is crucial. Sarah might reconnect with her friends or seek out a support group or a therapist. Counseling can help survivors process their experiences and develop strategies to navigate or leave the abusive relationship. Support systems provide validation and remind the survivor that they are not alone.
4. Recognizing When to Walk Away
In some cases, the most empowering step is to leave the relationship. Psychological abusers rarely change without significant intervention. If Sarah recognizes that John is unwilling to respect her boundaries or change his behavior, leaving may be her best option for long-term emotional health.
In therapy, survivors are encouraged to focus on their safety and well-being. While it can be terrifying to leave an abuser, knowing that the cycle of manipulation and control will likely continue helps some find the courage to take this step.
Conclusion: Empowerment Through Assertiveness
Psychological abuse is complex and often difficult to identify, but its effects are real and can be devastating. Survivors like Sarah may feel trapped in relationships where their sense of reality and self-worth is systematically eroded. However, by learning to set boundaries, validate their own experiences, and seek support, they can begin to reclaim their power.
For anyone reading this who recognizes themselves in Sarah’s story, I encourage you to seek professional help. You deserve to live in a relationship where you feel valued and safe, free from manipulation and control.
Clinical References:
Herman, J. L. (1992). Trauma and Recovery: The Aftermath of Violence - From Domestic Abuse to Political Terror. Basic Books.
Dutton, D. G., & Painter, S. L. (1993). The battered woman syndrome: Effects of severity and intermittency of abuse. American Journal of Orthopsychiatry, 63(4), 614-622.
Lundy, B. (2007). Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men. Berkley Publishing Group.
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