Forgiveness Isn’t Forgetting: Recognizing the Signs That You Need to Forgive

Forgiveness is one of the most misunderstood parts of the healing journey. If you’ve experienced deep betrayal, abuse, or abandonment—especially from someone you trusted—being told to “just forgive” can feel like another wound.

But forgiveness isn’t about excusing the harm done to you. It’s not about pretending it didn’t matter. And it’s never about returning to a harmful relationship. Forgiveness is about freedom. Freedom from the pain that lives rent-free in your mind. Freedom from the bitterness that keeps you stuck. Freedom to live the life God has for you—whole, safe, and grounded.

What Forgiveness Is—And What It Isn’t

Let’s be clear:

Forgiveness doesn’t mean:

• Forgetting the abuse happened

• Pretending you weren’t hurt

• Minimizing the trauma

• Letting someone back into your life without repentance, change, or boundaries

Forgiveness does mean:

• Surrendering your right to revenge

• Releasing the burden of resentment

• Letting God be the judge, not you

• Choosing peace over bitterness, again and again

It’s not a one-time moment. It’s a process—one you may need to revisit as layers of grief or anger resurface.

7 Signs You May Need to Forgive

You don’t have to feel “ready” to forgive, but here are some signs your heart may be carrying a weight that forgiveness could begin to lift:

1. You keep replaying the offense in your mind.

You lie in bed replaying the moment, the conversation, the betrayal. Over and over. It still holds power over you.

2. You feel triggered at reminders of that person or situation.

Seeing their name, hearing a certain song, or encountering a similar situation sends your body into fight-or-flight.

3. You feel angry even when nothing is happening in the moment.

Resentment simmers beneath the surface. Small things spark big emotions because something deeper remains unresolved.

4. You fantasize about revenge, justice, or “making them feel what you felt.”

This is a completely human response—but it’s also a sign your nervous system is stuck in the trauma.

5. You feel emotionally tied to someone you never want to see again.

Unforgiveness can keep us tethered to the very person we wish to be free from.

6. You tell yourself, “I’ll never forgive them.”

This vow often signals more pain under the surface. You may not feel ready—but notice if your resistance is fueled by fear or unresolved hurt.

7. Your healing feels stuck.

Sometimes, emotional healing can only go so far before we need to address the tangled mess of anger, grief, and unforgiveness. Not to rush the process—but to recognize what’s blocking peace.

So, What Does Forgiveness Look Like?

If you’re a woman of faith, this is where Scripture meets psychology. Forgiveness begins in the heart, often before your feelings catch up.

It might sound like this in prayer:

“God, I don’t feel ready to forgive. But I’m asking You to help me. Help me release this. I don’t want this pain to define me any longer.”

It might look like:

• Journaling a letter you never send

• Naming the harm and validating your hurt

• Giving yourself permission to grieve what was lost

• Asking God to hold the justice while you hold the healing

And sometimes...

Forgiveness means forgiving yourself—for staying, for not seeing the red flags, for coping in ways you regret. Grace covers that too.

Final Thoughts

You don’t have to rush forgiveness. But you also don’t have to carry this pain forever.

If you’re ready to explore what forgiveness could look like in your healing journey, I’d be honored to walk with you. As a trauma-informed, faith-based therapist, I help people like you move from survival to restoration—without bypassing your pain or dismissing your story.

You are not weak for struggling to forgive. You are not broken because healing is taking time. You are human—and deeply loved by a God who knows every wound and still calls you worthy.